I fucked up.

"And I wish you'd stay

That was the beginning of the two of us, the start of our show

Stay, stay, stay... 

Now I would never have let go"

-The Feel Again (Stay) by Blue October

I fucked up.
I fucked up.
I fucked up.

Why is it that I always end up driving those that I love away from me?
Okay, here goes...

I had been in a relationship with someone for 2 and a half years. May 20, 2011. That's a long time, especially for someone like me. And for the first year, everything was perfect. We were in a never ending honeymoon phase. We were so in love. I was really, truly happy for the first time in god knows how long. But then things started to decline, little by little. At the time, I thought it was all his fault. Now I realize that everything was my fault. Everything.

I have a problem, I now realize, with being controlling.

I was telling him he couldn't do this, couldn't do that, can't talk to her, can't go here, bla bla bla. I know, it sounds awful, right? But at the time I had no idea! I had no fucking idea what the hell I was doing. I kept telling myself and him as well that I was "Just trying to help". We would get in explosive arguments constantly because of me. I kept wondering what I could do to make things better. Now I realize if I had just kept my goddamn mouth shut, none of that would have ever happened. Everything would still probably be great now. But it isn't. It isn't great.

He left.
Well...actually I can't say that with 100% honesty. Technically, I left him. I got angry and, like I had done plenty of times before, told him we were breaking up when I didn't really mean it. (I KNOW THAT'S FUCKING SHALLOW AND MAKES ME A TERRIBLE PERSON OKAY DON'T FUCKING RUB IT IN) I had just intended...to say sorry like I always did, and we'd be happy again, like we always were. But I guess...he had just had enough. I tried to say sorry and let's try again, but this time he said no. No more. This has to stop.

I had always heard the phrase "Hindsight is 20/20", but never actually understood what the hell it meant. Now I understand it perfectly. You have no idea what the consequences of your actions will be when they're playing out. But once you've had some time to look back and think about it, you see exactly what was going on. Exactly what you did wrong. Exactly. I understand now that what I was doing wasn't helping. It was pushing, and pushing, until I got what I wanted. It was selfish. It was hurting him, and driving him insane.

You have no idea how much I wish I could take it all back.

I love him. Love. Present tense. And I know I always will. I tried to take this as an opportunity to see how I would work out with other people. But I actually cannot physically picture myself with anyone other than him. I don't want anyone else other than him. I dream about him every night, and feel like shit when I wake up and realize it wasn't real. Because it's not like our relationship was all bad. When it was good, it was great. Amazing. I just could never see...that he really, truly loved me. Even after all the shit I put him through. But I just pushed him too far. He had no other choice but to stop caring for me.

I've been single for almost a month now. And him? He's found another girl. I don't know how long they've been together exactly, but I know it hasn't been long. It hard because...she's one of the girls I knew he liked, even when we were dating. He'd told me countless times that she meant nothing, even that he found her slightly annoying. And now she's getting the love I miss terribly. She had better appreciate him. He fucking deserves it.

I know no one will ever read this, which is why I'm posting it here. I'm just lost beyond words. I have no idea what to do. I know, I know, you're supposed to just focus on yourself and make yourself a better person when shit like this happens. Trust me, that's the only advice anyone can give me it seems. But it's hard, you know? The one person I love...he's gone. And it's all my fault. And you know what? I obviously realize what I did wrong, and recognize what I need to do to fix it. I feel like if I was given another chance, things would work out perfectly. But he's said no, time and time again.

I hurt. I think a lot more than people realize. I have a very high pain tolerance, for both physical and emotional pain. I bet it seems like I don't even care most of the time. But I do. Of course I do. It consumes my mind 24/7. What am I supposed to do?? What the FUCK am I supposed to do?