Debris

Is it possible
To be okay
And not okay
At the same time?

Because that's exactly how I feel right now.

Some days are fine. I'm all yes I have friends and and people love me and smiles and yaaaaay life.
Some days are not fine. Those are the days when I think too much. When I remember everything. When I pay too much attention.

Some days I don't even want him back. Some days it's the only thing I want in the world.

It wouldn't be so hard if he didn't keep bringing it up. He keeps messaging me and saying things like "Just so you know, I will always miss you" and bla bla bla. In fact, he's been messaging me a lot lately, and just like super casually. You know, "What's up?" "Good morning", "What've you been up to?" And despite the fact that I don't usually answer him, he continues to do it.
I don't understand it.

Fuck. He even told me the other day that maybe one day "we'll meet again". He told me there was some time after we broke up that he wanted nothing else but me, and forever, but decided it wasn't worth the risk, considering our history.
How am I not supposed to feel terrible after that?
He says right now he'd rather just be alone than be with me or even his new girl. So I told him, then don't keep her around just for the glamour of it. If you would really, truly rather be alone, then save her the hurt and end it now rather than later when she becomes attached. But he says he's not "just keeping her around". He says they have a "decently strong connection", but right now he's still just "feeling things out".
I don't know. I am a terrible person.

For the first few weeks, I ate next to nothing, and stayed up all night. I'm getting better about that though. For awhile my stomach would do this thing where I'd be really freaking hungry, but then I'd take two bites of something and be full already. That still happens sometimes, but now it does this thing where if I think about all of this while I'm eating, bam, automatically not hungry anymore. Just take this into perspective: I've almost lost 10 pounds. I guess that's good but it also shows how different my eating habits are now...plus the whole sleeping thing. I used to go to bed at like 10:00 every night, despite the fact that I wasn't tired, because that's usually when he would go to bed to. But since everything, I started out staying up all night, or going to bed at like 3:00am and waking up at 6:00am. Now I actually start getting tired at like 10:00. But I usually stay up later. I don't know. Everything is just weird for me.

I think maybe I just need to focus on the good things that have happened so far.

I've been able to strengthen my friendships a lot. I do a lot more hanging out with friends than I ever did before. I sort of have a life now. Sort of.
For some reason...I feel like singing all the time now. Every song that plays, I wanna sing along.
I've been a lot more involved in school activities lately. So that's cool I guess...
I've discovered that I like a whole bunch of music that I never would have thought to listen to before.
And stuff.

But right now...I'm just weird. Everything is weird. I'm sad and happy all at once. Him telling me all these things and everything...I think it might be making it worse.

I still wouldn't hesitate to take him right back if I had the chance.