Debris

Is it possible
To be okay
And not okay
At the same time?

Because that's exactly how I feel right now.

Some days are fine. I'm all yes I have friends and and people love me and smiles and yaaaaay life.
Some days are not fine. Those are the days when I think too much. When I remember everything. When I pay too much attention.

Some days I don't even want him back. Some days it's the only thing I want in the world.

It wouldn't be so hard if he didn't keep bringing it up. He keeps messaging me and saying things like "Just so you know, I will always miss you" and bla bla bla. In fact, he's been messaging me a lot lately, and just like super casually. You know, "What's up?" "Good morning", "What've you been up to?" And despite the fact that I don't usually answer him, he continues to do it.
I don't understand it.

Fuck. He even told me the other day that maybe one day "we'll meet again". He told me there was some time after we broke up that he wanted nothing else but me, and forever, but decided it wasn't worth the risk, considering our history.
How am I not supposed to feel terrible after that?
He says right now he'd rather just be alone than be with me or even his new girl. So I told him, then don't keep her around just for the glamour of it. If you would really, truly rather be alone, then save her the hurt and end it now rather than later when she becomes attached. But he says he's not "just keeping her around". He says they have a "decently strong connection", but right now he's still just "feeling things out".
I don't know. I am a terrible person.

For the first few weeks, I ate next to nothing, and stayed up all night. I'm getting better about that though. For awhile my stomach would do this thing where I'd be really freaking hungry, but then I'd take two bites of something and be full already. That still happens sometimes, but now it does this thing where if I think about all of this while I'm eating, bam, automatically not hungry anymore. Just take this into perspective: I've almost lost 10 pounds. I guess that's good but it also shows how different my eating habits are now...plus the whole sleeping thing. I used to go to bed at like 10:00 every night, despite the fact that I wasn't tired, because that's usually when he would go to bed to. But since everything, I started out staying up all night, or going to bed at like 3:00am and waking up at 6:00am. Now I actually start getting tired at like 10:00. But I usually stay up later. I don't know. Everything is just weird for me.

I think maybe I just need to focus on the good things that have happened so far.

I've been able to strengthen my friendships a lot. I do a lot more hanging out with friends than I ever did before. I sort of have a life now. Sort of.
For some reason...I feel like singing all the time now. Every song that plays, I wanna sing along.
I've been a lot more involved in school activities lately. So that's cool I guess...
I've discovered that I like a whole bunch of music that I never would have thought to listen to before.
And stuff.

But right now...I'm just weird. Everything is weird. I'm sad and happy all at once. Him telling me all these things and everything...I think it might be making it worse.

I still wouldn't hesitate to take him right back if I had the chance.

This Is Why It Hurts

It hurts because she was one of the girls I knew he liked when we were dating, and it did bother me a lot. He even ended up blocking her on Facebook for me, because I was upset that they talked so much, which is something I didn't even know until we broke up. So now I feel like shit because I made a huge deal about it when he was actually more invested in me than he was her.

It hurts because it seems like since he has liked her for awhile, they might be together for a good while. Maybe even as long as...or longer than us.

It hurts because he had always told me she meant nothing, and even told me that he found her rather annoying. Of course...I had always said the same thing about him before we got together, and look what happened. He even told me when we broke up, that it wasn't because he wanted to be with her. But here we are, a month later...

It hurts because quite honestly he still treats me in generally the same way. Still makes a point to come and talk to me during the one class we have together at school, sometimes still walks me to my next class, talks to me on Facebook at random times, even sometimes comes and sits and talks with me during the free hour that we both have at school. I've come to realize that...she and I have basically switched places. She has become his girlfriend, and I have become the girl he hangs out with when his girlfriend isn't around. (That sounds like cheating but its not. I know he wasn't cheating on me, just hanging out with her a lot. I couldn't think of any other way to word it.) I know this is probably extremely shallow, but...whenever he talks to me I try to act like I always did, the way he always told me was cute. I try to do the things he always told me made him smile. Just to spark something, anything that might make him remember...

It hurts because...a waaaay way long time ago, in my first relationship (and only other relationship besides him), that guy left me for someone else as well. But, after about 3 months, he came right back to me. We dated again and it was great, but he was a huge cheat and I didn't see it but that's beside the point. My point is that I keep thinking, hoping that this one will work out the same way. That eventually, hopefully sooner than later, he'll break it off with her, and I might have a chance again...

It hurts because he doesn't break up with someone very easily, especially if he's very fond of her. I mean, I told you he put up with my shit for 2 whole years, right? I feel like he might end up staying with her for a long time even if he's unhappy in the relationship like he was with ours. And quite honestly that makes me upset for the obvious reason, as well as the fact that he would be unhappy for a long time, even when he doesn't have to be, and I don't want that for him. All I want now is for him to be happy...

It hurts because I've known her for longer than he has, and I know her and how immature she is about relationships. She's the kind of person who will go out with anyone just for the glamour of having a boyfriend, not because she actually likes a person. She treats these sort of things like a kid in elementary school. Example? Two summers ago when I met her, there was a guy she liked (for no other reason than "he was cute") so what does she do? Has someone else go and tell him that. LIKE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KID. Then instead of going and talking to him about it, she waits until we're all hanging out in a group, and then ASKS HIM IF HE LIKES HER BACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS GROUP OF US, MAKING THINGS REALLY AWKWARD FOR EVERYBODY. He had to say no, and so THEN, she goes and pouts about it, saying that she hates him and things like that. THAT IS WHAT YOU DO IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

It hurts because I know of plenty of stories of people who broke up but then ultimately ended up getting back together, and their relationship is even better than it was before. One couple I know had been dating since like middle school and apparently broke up after awhile, but not they're married. My best friend, who started dating her boyfriend on the same day he and I started dating, broke up with her boyfriend a few months after they had been together, but they got back together and have been awesome ever since. I just feel like that could be us...

It hurts because...this one is hard for me to talk about...
When we were breaking up, he told me numerous times that this was forever, we would never have another chance, we weren't getting back together now or ever. Now I know, that sometimes people say things they don't mean, in the heat of the moment or whatever, but I know him. Very well. He's very stubborn about those things. I feel like...if ever I did get a chance, he would tell me no again just because he said he wouldn't.


Okay, so...obviously I'm upset for a lot of reasons right now. And I think the things that are making me have hope are just making it worse. Like...the fact that he doesn't seem as invested in her as he did in me when we first got together. The fact that she and I are very similar-short, chubby, nerdy, not conventionally attractive-so maybe it's just a rebound sort of thing. I don't know, there's a lot more. Writing here really helps. I know no one's listening, but getting me feelings out there helps a little bit. And if anyone does happen to read this...please know that I'm not desperate. I know it probably seems that way, but...you have to understand. I did this. I ruined my own relationship. I took him for granted. And I lost the one thing that was keeping me going everyday, even though I didn't realize it at the time. I can't get over that. I ruined everything...

I fucked up.

"And I wish you'd stay

That was the beginning of the two of us, the start of our show

Stay, stay, stay... 

Now I would never have let go"

-The Feel Again (Stay) by Blue October

I fucked up.
I fucked up.
I fucked up.

Why is it that I always end up driving those that I love away from me?
Okay, here goes...

I had been in a relationship with someone for 2 and a half years. May 20, 2011. That's a long time, especially for someone like me. And for the first year, everything was perfect. We were in a never ending honeymoon phase. We were so in love. I was really, truly happy for the first time in god knows how long. But then things started to decline, little by little. At the time, I thought it was all his fault. Now I realize that everything was my fault. Everything.

I have a problem, I now realize, with being controlling.

I was telling him he couldn't do this, couldn't do that, can't talk to her, can't go here, bla bla bla. I know, it sounds awful, right? But at the time I had no idea! I had no fucking idea what the hell I was doing. I kept telling myself and him as well that I was "Just trying to help". We would get in explosive arguments constantly because of me. I kept wondering what I could do to make things better. Now I realize if I had just kept my goddamn mouth shut, none of that would have ever happened. Everything would still probably be great now. But it isn't. It isn't great.

He left.
Well...actually I can't say that with 100% honesty. Technically, I left him. I got angry and, like I had done plenty of times before, told him we were breaking up when I didn't really mean it. (I KNOW THAT'S FUCKING SHALLOW AND MAKES ME A TERRIBLE PERSON OKAY DON'T FUCKING RUB IT IN) I had just intended...to say sorry like I always did, and we'd be happy again, like we always were. But I guess...he had just had enough. I tried to say sorry and let's try again, but this time he said no. No more. This has to stop.

I had always heard the phrase "Hindsight is 20/20", but never actually understood what the hell it meant. Now I understand it perfectly. You have no idea what the consequences of your actions will be when they're playing out. But once you've had some time to look back and think about it, you see exactly what was going on. Exactly what you did wrong. Exactly. I understand now that what I was doing wasn't helping. It was pushing, and pushing, until I got what I wanted. It was selfish. It was hurting him, and driving him insane.

You have no idea how much I wish I could take it all back.

I love him. Love. Present tense. And I know I always will. I tried to take this as an opportunity to see how I would work out with other people. But I actually cannot physically picture myself with anyone other than him. I don't want anyone else other than him. I dream about him every night, and feel like shit when I wake up and realize it wasn't real. Because it's not like our relationship was all bad. When it was good, it was great. Amazing. I just could never see...that he really, truly loved me. Even after all the shit I put him through. But I just pushed him too far. He had no other choice but to stop caring for me.

I've been single for almost a month now. And him? He's found another girl. I don't know how long they've been together exactly, but I know it hasn't been long. It hard because...she's one of the girls I knew he liked, even when we were dating. He'd told me countless times that she meant nothing, even that he found her slightly annoying. And now she's getting the love I miss terribly. She had better appreciate him. He fucking deserves it.

I know no one will ever read this, which is why I'm posting it here. I'm just lost beyond words. I have no idea what to do. I know, I know, you're supposed to just focus on yourself and make yourself a better person when shit like this happens. Trust me, that's the only advice anyone can give me it seems. But it's hard, you know? The one person I love...he's gone. And it's all my fault. And you know what? I obviously realize what I did wrong, and recognize what I need to do to fix it. I feel like if I was given another chance, things would work out perfectly. But he's said no, time and time again.

I hurt. I think a lot more than people realize. I have a very high pain tolerance, for both physical and emotional pain. I bet it seems like I don't even care most of the time. But I do. Of course I do. It consumes my mind 24/7. What am I supposed to do?? What the FUCK am I supposed to do?

Don't Forget Me

Um...I got a new blog.
It's just...this one has turned into something completely unintended. It's hard to explain, but if I keep doing what I'm doing here, it's just gonna be more of a big mess. So..just click here to go to the new one. Just a warning though...it's absolutely nothing like this one.

Now, not to say that I'm going to completely abandon this blog. There may be some circumstances where I'll write here every once in awhile. Or maybe not. I don't know at this point. But if you're really that interested in what I'm up to and stuff...that link is the place to go.

So..I guess this is it. For now.
So long.

Stuph

"The sky could be blue, could be gray
Without you I just slide away
The sky could be blue, I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time"

                     -Strawberry Swing by Coldplay



Well, since this has become the only place I can rant about nothing without anyone having to listen to me, I figure now is as good a time as ever to explode all over the place.
Certain events from the past few months have sort of opened my eyes a little. I'm turning into a different person. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. But I've noticed...I'm a lot more outgoing than I used to be. A little less worried about some things, a little more concerned about others. I have a different attitude towards a lot of stuff. There was some sort of barrier before, and I've broken it. I wouldn't exactly say that I've become a new person or anything. Just...maybe I've done a little growing-up. Huummm...
That's all I can come up with right now.
More later. Or maybe not.

Rah-rah...royalty?

"You're the girl that cries, "Water in the basement"
Everybody stop, wait, look, see
You're the girl that could lie to my face
And fabricate a flood to get through to me
I went away and you found a replacement
So call him, don't call me
To the girl that cries, "Water in the basement"
You drama everything"

                                -Drama Everything by Blue October

Hi!

See that exclamation point?

Hmm...I'm bored.

Oh I know. This post may seem a bit stingy...but it's my blog. I can do that.

So pretty much every school in America has a homecoming. And a lot of schools do the thing where during the week leading up to homecoming, you get to have those dress-up days with a different theme everyday. So that's pretty cool, right? Yeah. But you know what I don't like? Voting for things like "homecoming attendants" and "king & queen"...especially the way my school does it. The whole thing's one huge popularity contest. I mean seriously. Not once have I ever seen someone who was not considered "popular" be nominated. Now, not that these people aren't good people, that's not what I'm saying. But still...why do we have to establish who's the most popular in school? Isn't school a place for learning?

I dunno. That's Kenzeh's view on things.

Huh. Kinda short post today. I probably coulda said more but...oh well.

Aaaaanyway...um. Bye.

Math Is A Wonderful Thing

"I just wanted you to know
That the world is ugly,
But you're beautiful to me."

                                                 -The World Is Ugly by My Chemical Romance

Hi.
I am litterally staring at a blank page with nothing in mind here. So...I guess this should be interesting.
Hmmm...
Oh, I know.

I am a perfectionist.
So much so that I am, in fact, obsessive-compulsive. I mean, think about it: Have you ever seen me use any texting abbreviations (ur, lyk, thx, abt...you know, junk like that.) at all? No, you haven't. Know why? Cause I'm THAT much of a perfectionist. I have to type just as perfect as I do anything else. It's like this with everything I do. If I write a letter weird looking, gotta erase it till it looks right. If I set something up but it doesn't look quite right, I'll have to rearrange it till its perfect. It even bothers me when my room is messy, which it is most of the time, but still. And my grades. That's a big one. If they're not all within the A-B range, Kenzeh is not happy.
So why all the sudden am I caring less about school work?
I don't know.
But it happened towards the end of last year.
Now, if you know me at all, you know that my math skills are nowhere near up to par. But that doesn't mean I still didn't want to try. And for the first two and a half semesters, all that trying was getting me a B. Good enough for me. Heh, that rhymed, but anyway, towards the end of the third semester, that B turned into a B-. And then a C. And eventually, yes, an F. And for some reason, I really wasn't bothered by it. I mean sure, the fact that I was going to have to retake the class haunted me a little. But other than that I was just kind of like, whatever.
Somehow, at the end of the year, that F worked its way back up to a B. I don't know how that happened either, but thank god it did. This year my math class isn't nearly as difficult as it was last year. Which is a good thing, I suppose.

Well, I just spent 20 minutes writing about something no one cares about. So that's pretty cool.
Erm...have a nice day.