How I Got This Way

"I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm breaking the habit tonight."

                       -Breaking The Habit by Linkin Park

Today I was writing in my journal type thingy and I decided to look through some older writings. I don't write in it very often anymore (I've had it since I was 12 and I've only used the first 60 pages) but when I was younger I wrote a lot. I went back to the very first entry...and almost didn't believe that I had written it. It was dated 2008, so yeah, I was 12 years old. The entry started out with "Dear Journal". Yuck. But worse than that, the whole thing was covered with smiley faces, hearts, exclamation points, and scribbles over misspellings. I even dotted the "i" in my name with a star. So I flipped to the latest entry. No smileys. No hearts. Not even any exclamation ponts. I flipped through the whole thing from front to back, noticing that slowly, ever so slowly, my peppiness level was going dooown. Which is just fine with me. But it kind of bothered me in a weird way that I can't really explain. Like, that was how I used to be. What happened? Have I really changed that much in three years? So I wasn't always this hovering rain cloud that moped around trying to avoid any social contact what so ever. I used to be kinda...happy. I wonder how that happened...