Who Do You Think You Are?

"Hey break me if you can
You are someone I don't love until I die
I did but not anymore
Hey break me if you can
You are someone I don't mind
Can't remember how we used to be"

                                 -(Can't Remember) How We Used To Be by Ellegarden

 

Good news. I'm going to state with my individual speech! Bad news. It's on the last show choir competition day of the season, which means I'll probably have to miss show choir. This makes Kenzeh sad. : /

But I think now would be a good time to talk about the last competition I went to, which was yesterday.

The whole time I was there, I don't think I thought once about anything else except for being there, in the moment. This happens everytime I go to a competition, and I'm totally not saying it's a bad thing. It's actually a really good thing. It's kinda interesting.

Heh. Remember that post I wrote a super long time ago about nicknames? I remembered another one that I forgot to put down. Here's the story.

I was doing sound for an independant theatre production, and the guy who was doing lights (a good friend of mine who sat next to me in the booth the whole time) had the last name of Boltz. He told us the story of how when he was born, his father wanted to name him Rusty. His mom said that'd be great...if their last name wasn't Boltz. (Get it? Rusty Boltz? Heh heh.) So we started calling him Rusty. I think we all probably forgot his real name. Then we got a new guy and dubbed him "Shiny" to go with Rusty. After that they decided to call me Sparkly to go along with everything else. So now I'm credited with "Sparkly" in between my first and last names in all the programs and when anyone needs someone to run sound or lights, they get reffered to Sparkly. I thought it kind of fit me anyway. :)

So...gee. I feel like I should post a video now. I dunno which one though. I'll think of something...

 

Here's a song I'm in love with right now. Like, seriously. I. Am. In. Love. With. This. Song.

Sayonara.

I Caught The Insomnia Bug

"There's a siren screaming
'I'm alive!', it cries"

                  -Cigarettes and Valentines by Green Day

I had an idea for a movie today. It probably won't ever happen, but...it was pretty cool anyway.

So..hmm. This "revelation a day" thing is kind of terrible. I can't write about it all without sounding like I'm whining. So I won't. I'll just keep it to myself. Like always.

Well, looks like this will be another weekend without sleep. Another speech/show choir competition this Saturday. I'm doing individuals this time, a monologue from a play called Reckless. It's pretty interesting.

I wonder if it's possible to develop insomnia overtime. Like, to not be born with it but like, kind of catch it. But not really catch it, because yeah, I know it's not contagious. You know what I mean.

Or narcolepsy. Do you have to be born with narcolepsy?

I looked it up. You don't have to be born with it. It can develop overtime. There, you learned something today.

Hurrgh...I'm gonna go finish off my orange soda. Which is a terrible idea, considering I'm going to bed soon. But since when do I make good descisions?

Namidacchi

"Will you think of me in time?
It's never my luck...

So, nevermind."

                          -My Never by Blue October

You ever have that feeling like, "It'd be better if I hadn't heard that, even though it's still going to happen."

Just wondering.

So today, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I miss 2010. So much. 2010 was probably the most amazing year I've ever been through in my entire life. From begininng to end, I had a reason to smile, even if I didn't realize it at the time. Even if I wanted to be stubborn and feel sorry for myself, I still had it pretty good. Which I guess I still do have it pretty good, even if I don't like to admit it.

Um...here. Here's a pretty Morning Musume song. I don't...I don't really know what else to write today. So...listen to Namidacchi (Tears) and then go play outside or something.

You And Me And Everyone Else

"But why here? How is this better than home? And if it's so great, why leave? These are things I cannot imagine, and I realize that I cannot imagine them because I didn't know Margo. I knew how she smelled, and I knew how she acted in front of me, and I knew how she acted in front of others, and I knew that she liked Mountain Dew and adventure and dramatic gestures, and I knew that she was funny and smart and just generally more than the rest of us. But I didn't know what brought her here, or what kept her here, or what made her leave. I didn't know why she owned thousands of records but never told anyone she even liked music. I didn't know what she did at night, with the shades down, with the door locked, in the sealed privacy of her room.

And maybe this was what I needed to do above all. I needed to discover what Margo was like when she wasn't being Margo."

                            -Quentin Jacobson, Paper Towns

Last night, I finished reading an amzing book. Paper Towns.

I actually cried twice towards the end. That's how good it was.

This book thinks a lot like I do. Granted, yeah, it's a book, it doesn't think. But you catch my drift. 

How many times do we stop to think about people differently than we know them? Do they have lives outside us? Of course they do. But what are they?

I know for a fact that I am a completely different person when I am around my friends. And no, this does not mean I can't be myself around my friends. The way I act around my friends is completely different than the way I act when no one's around, but it's still the same me. I'm always me, no matter where or who I'm with, but it might be a different version of me.

So take a minute here to think. Are you still the same person no matter where you go?

11 Roses

"And who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

Tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me...

Don't come back at all!"

                -Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

Ahh, Valentine's Day. A day for love. A day for couples. A day for all the single people out there to feel worse about themselves then they do already.

Ya know...I remember back in elementary school when Valentine's Day meant going to every store looking for the PowerPuff Girl Valentines, writing a persons name on each one, sticking a sucker or some chocolate on to it, and then painstakingly dropping one in each persons pile, only to find that the girl who sits across from you got the exact same cards as you. Then stuffing your face with chocolate, cupcakes, and whatever else the room mothers happened to bring. Now, Valentines Day means waking up like any normal day, getting all dressed up in pink and red with some fancy little thing made of hearts in your hair just so you can play along in this little game, going to school and painstakingly watching all the happy couples give each other roses or chocolate or something and having to listen to all your friends talk about their plans and how wonderful their significant other is and then going home and eating whatever left over candy there is. And ya know, it wouldn't be so bad if you weren't so full of hope. It wouldn't be so bad if half of you wasn't saying "Hey, don't worry about it. There is someone out there, and they will find you and you'll live happily ever after." While the other half was there saying, "You know you're never gonna find someone. I mean, let's be serious here. Who would want you? No one ever has, and no one ever will, so deal with it." And you know the second half is right but for some reason there's still that little glimmer of hope, but that only gets crushed by that other half so now there's nothing left at all. Just you. And nothing else. Heck, sometimes there isn't even any "you" left. Just this moving, breathing shell of what once was. Even though it wasn't always like this. You remember when you used to not care about this kind of thing at all. You were so happy living life the way you were, then you became even happier, and then for some reason, you became extremely depressed and it changed your whole world. But now, your whole world is love and you can't get it out of your head. You wish there was something you could do about it, but then it goes back to those two halves of yourself that can't seem to come to an agreement, and there you are...stuck in your circle of what you pass off as life.

But that's just my view of things.

Guess Who's Back?

"Cause nowadays these kids, jeez
Don't give a sh*t about lyrics
All they wanna hear is a beat and that's it
Long as they can go to the club and get blitz
Pick up some chicks and get some digits
And the DJ's playing them hits
Oh, this my jam, this my sh*t
We don't know a word to a verse,
All we know is the chorus
'Cause the chorus repeats the same four words for us
And the songs ginormous, the whole formula's switched
'Cause we don't know anymore, what are hits
Is it the beat, is it the rap?"

          -Syllables by Eminem

Told ya. Em knows how to tell it.

I was doing some pretty intense thinking today, and ended up with this: Eminem's songs generally fall into one of four categories:

1. The sillier, nonsensical songs (We Made You, The Real Slim Shady, Just Lose It, etc.)

2. Songs about his real life (Mockingbird, Hailie's Song, The Way I Am, etc.)

3. Generally mainstream songs (Like Toy Soldiers, Stan, Cleanin' Out My Closet. etc.)

4. The incredibly twisted, mental, phsycotic songs (3 AM, Kim, Just The Two of Us, etc.)

Probably isn't anything new to anyone. Just thought I'd point that out. Personally, I like the the songs about his actual experiences more than the sillier, nonsensical stuff, but that's just me. And who doesn't love stuff like "3 AM"? Those kinda songs are usually pretty epic.

That's all I have the energy for today. So long, and good night.

Still Nothing

"So, so I put away, put away, put away, put away the words you never said to me

And the scar that's open wide
You turn away, turn away, turn away, turn away, you turned away from me

And never said goodbye
And all the words, the words, the words, all the words that you ever promised me

Were never spoken
And here I am, here I am, here I am, I'm not afraid of you...

But still broken"

        -Still Broken by Blue October

Oh hello stranger.

I'm sorry for not writing for such a long time. I haven't really felt up to it. I still really don't, but I don't want to forget about this blog either, so I'm writing what I can for now.

So I recently learned that C.B. Hudson, lead guitarist for Blue October, left the band in December. I was shocked, because one: I hadn't heard of anything until just now, and two: every band I know and love is either losing members or breaking up entirely, and Blue October was the one band that was doing fine...until now, I guess. But seriously. MCR lost their drummer, Bob, last year, Fall Out Boy broke up entirely, Panic! At The Disco lost two members and so did Paramore, and then Blue October was the only one left. I'm just glad they didn't entirely break-up...I don't know what I'd do then.

Ueerrghh...I'm all sickish right now. Which is entirely inconvinient because I've got another show choir thing tommorow.

So anyway...here. To tide you over until I get back into the groove of things, here are more of my favorite Blue October songs. You're welcome. Again.



Huh...I never noticed that all my favorites are the slower, sadder ones. Maybe I should throw in a loud angry one to even it out?

There we go. All better.

B-b-b-boring

"No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
No, I'm not saying I'm sorry
One day maybe we'll meet again
NO NO NO NO" 

                            -Closer To The Edge by 30 Seconds To Mars

Most inspirational music video ever.

Well, I haven't done anything for an entire week due to the fact that my city declared a snow day every day last week except for Monday. Oh, yesterday. Yesterday I went to my first show choir competition, and also a State Speech competition. We didn't win either one, but that show choir competiton was the most amazing event I've ever been to. I don't even know why. The whole time I was there I felt awesome, even more so when I was on stage. I guess it's because the arts is kind of my calling. I love the limelight, which is kind of ironic considering how shy I am.

I was really gonna write more but I just drew a complete blank. So...bye.

Two Things That Have Nothing To Do With Each Other

"'Cause I found the way to live with that
I'm not going anywhere
I thought you'd only make me weak
That's wrong
I knew it all and you knew it all
that it's never gonna work
To wait for someone who could stop this rain
It just rains"

                            -Space Sonic by Ellegarden 

Oye. These last few posts have been so negative sounding. Let's see, what else is there anyway...

Hmm...tommorow I'll be heading to my first show choir competition and also my second speech competition. Why they had to be on the same day, I do not know. But, we've made it to state with our short film for speech, so it'd be awesome if we won. As for show choir, we were supposed to go to state on Thursday, but the radio waves were garbled and we misunderstood, cuz we thought it got canceled but I guess it didn't and bla bla bla. So anyway, now we're here and performing for the first time tommorow. And I could not be more nervous. Why? Because. I am a terrible dancer. I honestly can't even believe I got in. I mean sure, I'm an okay singer/actress (Yes, acting is a part of show choir) but I suck at dancing. Almost as much as I suck at math, but that's a different story.

I reeeaally wanna get a piercing. I don't even have my ears pierced cuz my mother is defiant. I'm gonna get an industrial (bar through the top of my ear) when I move out. Maybe even some snakebites. (double lip piercings) Of course...that'll make it difficult for me to get the job I want, but...if they can't accept me, too bad.

When I think of more non-negative things to write, I certainly will.

Cellophane

"Tell me with so many out there why I always turn to you?
Your goodbyes tear me down every time
And it's so easy to see that the blame is on me"

                                 -All I Ever Wanted by Kelly Clarkson

Something really interesting happened to me last week. I turned invisible. No kidding! And it still hasn't worn off. So now people just walk right into me and don't even realize it. I even had one guy try to make off with my backpack because he didn't see that I was attached to it. And the best part, no one has to listen to me anymore! Nope, they just continue living their lives without a second thought. So, awesome for everyone else, eh?

In other, less bitter news, a ginormus snowstorm has clouded over the midwest, which just happens to be where I live. I am litterally snowed in my house, can't go anywhere. We've got a little over a foot of snow, and it keeps coming down. There wasn't any school today, nor will there be tommorow. Pretty much every business is shut down, even Wal-Mart is closed. You know it's bad if Wal-Mart closes. It's actually kinda cool, if I look out the window facing my backyard, the snow is like right there. This could turn out to be very bad, but right now I'm enjoying every minute of it.

But other than that, there's really nothing else. Nothing else matters. No one else matters. I don't matter.